


Real Talk

by SherlockIsaGirlsName2898



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Derealization, Don't @ Me, Hurt/Comfort, I love hurt and hurting, I would die for Angus, Panic Attacks, Probably too dramatic, accurate depiction of how not to write, it's 6am I want to sleep, taako is super duper not okay, very dramatic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-05 01:31:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16358066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SherlockIsaGirlsName2898/pseuds/SherlockIsaGirlsName2898
Summary: Taako explodes. Angus cries.It doesn't feel as funny as last time the boy cried.





	Real Talk

Taako did everything perfectly, every little piece of him was precisely crafted, like an intricate, unopenable door. Bars and lock and walls between the others and him, so many and for so long that they seemed to be keeping himself from him now. So many words in his head, all of them about him. Even that thought brought a new word to his dictionary of self-hate : selfish. The words floated about in his head everyday, a new one for every situation, every conversation, every mistake and every cruel insult. He was a coward, an asshole, crazy, pathetic, confused, unhinged, hurt, scared scared scared scared scared. 

Scared of himself, of what he could do, of waking up one morning and forgetting again. When he remembered, the hurt, the loss of Lup that he should’ve been feeling for years crashed into him and shattered him. A decade of time to mourn hit him like a truck, and yet and yet. And yet he didn’t know when he had started to become okay with it. He didn’t know anything. 

And he especially didn’t know why he had chosen to give his precious time to this boy who’d always stare at him with big starry eyes like Taako hung the fucking moon in the sky. Angus always looked at him with so much admiration, confusion at times, always with something akin to love and worst of all, when the boy stared at him he would see this look in his eye. The look Angus had when looking at a new puzzle, a look of fascination, like he was always trying to figure him out. Taako hated it. He hated that look, the look of someone who wanted to understand, he hated the uncomfortable feeling it gave him, he hated the boy. And yet.

It was a clear day on the moon when it happened. Magnus was off with Carey somewhere, probably fighting something too big for both of them. Taako had no idea where Merle was, somehow the dwarf was even more secretive than him. The cold still air felt like a slap to the face for the tired elf and he wondered why he had even come out here in the first place. He was making his way to the cafeteria, that he knew. He didn’t know much these days though. He would forget entire conversations, go on auto pilot in the middle of laughing, find himself somewhere he didn’t remember walking to. He felt vague. Like he was floating through his days, or in some kind of fever dream. 

He knew he should be concerned with how out of touch he was feeling but the truth is this was easier. Things around him didn’t feel real. Taako suddenly looked at his feet. He realized he couldn’t really feel the ground underneath them. His mind reeled slightly and he felt almost sick. He needed to feel the ground under his feet. Almost robotically he took off his shoes and felt the solid cold ground. He could feel it. Then why did he still not feel real? He wished Lup was here. Where was she? At the sudden thought, his mind went into a panic again. Where's Lup? Taako looked around, his vision unfocusing from time to time, his thoughts whirling in his head. He screamed his sister’s name in his mind and much too late realized he had shouted out loud. His panic grew considerably, fear completely overtaking him. What if she’s gone again? The thoughts didn’t make any sense. The logical side of his brain was trying to outshout the panicky screams, telling him Lup was probably off somewhere with Barry. But his brain didn’t listen. 

Suddenly he was on his knees, not remembering how he got there. He felt like he was drowning, a million parts of him shouting at him at the same time. A piece of him screaming for him to get up. Another silently whispering that he was going to be okay. And an awful, awful loud voice screaming at him that Lup was gone. That he was alone. Like he’d always been and how he would always remain. The panic was tearing him apart, he couldn’t breath, tears were starting to form at the corner of his eyes, he felt like he’d swallowed a stone. He felt like he was going to die. Again. Scared and alone. Again.

Then a hand on his shoulder. A panicked rambling voice cutting through all of Taako's thoughts. He couldn’t make the words out but suddenly the elf was staring straight at the boy detective himself. And a wave of nausea hit him. Of course. Of course it had to be Angus who would find the elf. He only realized now that he had stopped but he had been muttering his sister’s name under his breath, scared that he would forget it again. His mind caught up to the fact that Angus was still staring at him with big round panicked eyes and suddenly Taako jerked back and got to his feet. Keep it in Taako. Keep it in. Just like that it was like nothing had ever happened. If Angus hadn’t just seen this transformation and the tears still running down the elf's cheeks he might of thoughts everything was fine. But absolutely nothing about this situation was fine. 

“Are you okay sir?”

Taako breathed a sigh of relief when he could finally make out the boy’s words. 

“Absolutely fine Agnes why do you ask?”

Thought-out his years of living Taako knew the best way to get out of any situation was to play it dumb. It was easy and a copout sure, but it worked. Angus stared at him in confusion, that look on his face that Taako hated again. 

“Oh okay sir! It’s just that you looked kind of um...” 

As Angus struggled for words, something Taako wasn’t used to seeing often, a feeling of growing embarrassment and bottled panic started to rise again. Keep. It. In. 

“You know sir... If you want to talk about anything well I’m here! You probably have people better suited for the job of course but I wanted you to know that!”

Angus said the words with a sort of enthusiasm that made Taako feel sick. Like this was a ploy for the boy to finally start solving the puzzle that was the elf. His eyes narrowed and his voice turned into a snide sort of tone.

“And now why would I do that Ango?”

The words made Angus tilt his head to the side, and Taako horribly revelled in the small flash of hurt he saw there. 

“Oh well I just... I’m a pretty good listener you know! Probably not as good as Magnus or Lup but I can try! And I know I’m just a boy and all but I think I’ve grown pretty wise since I got to the moon!”

Taako had had enough by now. The boy had already witnessed Taako in a state only a few select got to see him in and he wanted this to stop. He wanted Angus to go away. Of course he didn’t want him there. So he let out a cruel laugh. He didn’t like the way his gut twisted in response to that. He didn’t care. 

“Well I don’t know if wise is the word I would use little man. And thanks for the offer but maybe I should go look for someone with a little more life experience.”

Taako snorted at the end of his sentence and observed the reaction on the boy’s face, his gut twisting again in something he didn’t want to label as regret. Angus's face fell and his gaze dropped to the floor, to his shoes scuffling together. Taako felt a wave of nausea again but this time he knew it was because of the shame he was feeling, and yet he couldn’t stop.

“If I have a mystery to solve I’ll be sure to come get you Agnes. Ooh, maybe you can find out where my disappearing clothes have been going! Or, or, maybe you can help Magnus figure out why his hair's been going grey.”

By now Taako actually felt like throwing up. This was too much. They had said worse things to the boy but somehow this felt different. Personal. Cruel. But he couldn’t stop. He had to get this boy as far away from him as possible before he found a way to break down one of his walls. Or before Taako willingly broke it down himself like he wanted to do. 

He was just about to start talking again when he heard the sound of sniffling. Angus was still looking at the ground but it didn’t take a genius to figure out that he was now crying. Taako's knees nearly gave out underneath him. But before his gut could convince him to just stop, his brain took over. This was a good thing. Angus needed to stay away. And yet. 

Taako stared at the boy in front of him who was still sniffling slightly and wave and wave of guilt came crashing down on him. But not enough. Or maybe too much. Maybe that’s what made him say what he said next.

“its a shame I didn’t forget you too Angus” 

And with that Angus's head snapped back to meet Taako's eyes, a look of shock and hurt written all over his face. He didn’t even try to hide his tears streaked face anymore as more and more came falling down his cheeks. Try as he may, Taako couldn’t help but look away. He acted disinterested and sighed, looking off to the left. Angus didn’t say anything. What could be possible say? Taako couldn’t stay here anymore. So with an overwhelming urge to throw up, the elf threw one last glance at the boy then turn and walked away. 

And when he got back to his dorm, he threw up in the toilet. 

 

Taako was fine. Completely, totally fine. Stellar even. Just peachy. The weeks after the haze that was That Day™, Taako was totally okay. He forced himself to go outside once a day, to eat something, to talk to someone, to appear completely fine. And he was sure it was working. He was sure his jokes and aloofness still held that same amount of carelessness and joix de vivre. That the emptiness and feeling of dread he constantly carried never showed on his face. That every time he crossed Angus his face remained stoic as ever. Angus, on the other hand... Well every one had noticed something was wrong. Every time Taako saw the boy, his stomache started twisting uncomfortably again. He would remember those horrible words he said and the look on Angus’s face. So he avoided him at all costs. 

As for Angus, any time he caught sight of the elf a deep look of uncertainty and hurt would cross his face. There were no more magic lessons, no more cheerful conversations, no nothing. It was painful and empty and the boy felt like crying any time he thought about it. Which was a lot. 

In the weeks that followed, a few people would come up to Angus when he was staring off into space with a pained look on his face asking him how he was. No one could figure out why and when the boy had lost a little bit of that spring in his step. On his end, Taako delighted in no one asking him the same questions. His mask was holding up, his daily breakdowns didn’t show on his face, everything looked perfect. Except there was one person he didn’t fool and he should have known that would be Lup. 

He would catch Lup staring at him at times when his facade broke for even the slightest amount of time. She would watch him a bit more intently, ask him more often how he was doing. Although she would always get the same answer, a careless wave of the hand, Lup knew something was wrong. And it was something big. She knew it was big because he hadn’t said anything to her and he would always tell her. She didn’t push him, she knew that would only make things worse but it was getting harder and harder to cope with the pain she knew her brother was going through.

So she resolved to actually do something about it. 3 weeks after the incident with Angus, Taako was cleaning his room, brushing off the dust from the books he had never read. His mind was blank and somehow bursting with thoughts at the same time. He felt empty and simultaneously like he could burst from all he was feeling. He was a walking contradiction. He stopped cleaning when he heard a knock at the door and opened it to find Lup on the other side. He was ready to pull up a poor imitation of himself when he saw the look on her face. This was her serious face. Her “we need to talk” face. And predictably that’s exactly what she said. 

He let her in without a word and flinched slightly when he heard her sigh heavily. 

“So babe wanna tell me what’s up with you?”

He heard the words like they were far away, and tried to concentrate as hard as possible to stop feeling so spaced out. This was not a conversation he could go through on auto pilot. Lup must’ve seen the obvious struggle on his face because she frowned, worry written across all her features, and took a step towards her brother. 

“You with me Taako?”

She said, and the elf heard the words yes but it was like another part of him was hearing them. He struggled more, his mind reeling, his body feeling numb, concentrating hard on feeling grounded, real again. He suddenly felt completely exhausted. Every one of his limbs felt heavy and his head felt like it was full of bees. He felt his hands shaking and he only realized that he was clenching his fistBs, his nails digging into his palms when Lup took his hands in hers. 

The sudden contact felt like a jolt of electricity and it was like he was finally back in his body. He blinked a few times, assessing the situation and realized he didn’t know how long it had been since his sister had been in his room. 

“Sorry about that Bubbaleh. What were you saying? If you’ve come for dating advice I am not doing that again.” 

Lup stared at him for a few seconds, a look of disbelief in her eyes. 

“What the hell Taako.” The elf flinched at that and curled up in himself a bit. “Taako I- what’s going on with you? Babe just tell me!”

Taako felt a ringing noise in his ear and tried his best to control his facial expression but he knew something inside him just snapped. Taako wasn’t fine. He wasn’t even remotely okay. He felt weird and detached and scared and lonely and vague. He didn’t feel real. He wanted to feel real again. 

And so, for the next hour, Taako spilt his heart out to his sister, he told her everything, he let himself cry, he let himself be, and at the end her let Lup hold him for what felt like an eternity. And he felt more alive than he had in months. 

 

Two weeks later and Taako was finally ready. Ew. Taako thought to himself. Don’t be so dramatic. 

He was finally going to talk to Angus, an actual real talk. A real him talking to the boy detective. No cruel words. He couldn’t promise he wouldn’t make a joke or two but he had to apologize. And fast. 

Taako found Angus at the cafeteria, nose deep in a book, a look of deep concentration and excitement on his face. The elf stood in front of him and startled the boy who looked up. The look on the boy's face when he saw Taako would have made him laugh if he didn’t know what he was about to say next. 

“Hey Ango.” 

Taako spoke in a soft voice, something he had embarrassingly practiced. Before the boy could even attempt to speak, and knowing that it would take ages for him to figure out what to say, Taako continued. 

“Alright pumpkin here’s the deal. I’m sorry for yelling at you that wasn’t cool and uh I didn’t mean that uh... That thing I said.” He saw Angus cringe slightly at the memory of the harsh words.  
“Sometimes Ango I get... Scared.” This time it was Taako's turn to cringe at his own words. “Uh it’s pretty dumb really I guess it’s cuz of trust issues and shit? It’s not a good excuse for what I said but honestly kid it’s all I got.”

Taako took a deep breath for what he was about to say next and held up his hand when he saw Angus opening his mouth. 

“You know, I care about you a whole lot kid and uh... That’s scary? I guess? I don’t know why, beats me but yeah. That’s out there now.” And another deep breath. “I love you Ango. And that’s the only time I’m ever going to say that so don’t expect this every day from now on kay?” 

Taako suddenly exhaled, finally letting out all the air he had been holding in. He felt sick again but this time he knew he had to endure that feeling. He did love the kid. And it had to be said, for the boy’s sake. Even though he would never say that aloud ever again. (He would. Many times.) Taako watched Angus intently, worried a little bit when the boy’s eyes started to widen as if he’d only now registered what he had said. And when his eyes started to water, a wave of panic crashed on Taako. How did I screw that up? But Angus just smiled through his tears and faster than the elf could even fathom, jumped into his arms. 

Taako made an oof sound as he caught the boy in his arms, wrapping his arms around him in the process. 

“okay, alright, I’ll allow this one hug.” 

“i love you too Taako” 

The words were muttered against Taako's neck but the elf heard them nonetheless and a surge of warmth erupted in his chest. Ew feelings. 

Taako didn’t talk about his terrible feelings of self hate and depression to Angus. He didn’t tell him about how sometimes he just didn’t feel real. He reserved all that stuff for Lup and sometimes Magnus or Merle if they were lucky. The kid didn’t need that kind of complicated in his life and he was better off not having to think about Taako's pain but whenever things got too much, whenever the elf felt like he couldn’t breath, felt like he wasn’t even alive, he would just go to the boy detective and sit down next to him. At times Angus would read his book out loud, other times he would retell stories of his adventures before being on the moon. Whatever he did and whatever he said, Angus helped. He was a comfort he found in not a lot of people. 

And even though sometimes Taako would get angry and upset, he learnt to not redirect that confusion on anyone else. And after a long while, lots of friends, hugs, sleepovers, talking about his feelings, crying and distractions, Taako learnt to stop redirecting that hate on himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I haven't written in 3 years and this is terrible but hey this was mostly to prove to myself i still know how to do this so congrats to me!  
> I dedicate this to my good good boys the McElroys who represent everything good in this world. Special thanks to Griffin for ripping my heart out and straight up stomping on it that's super cool
> 
> Aight see you in 3 years


End file.
